S34E15 Bartless 03/06/2023
♪ ♪(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
"Then Papa Bear said,
'Someone's been sleeping in my bed.'"
This book is so unrealistic.
Dads sleep on the weight bench in the garage, right?
Okay, Riley, ready to do this?
Tell you what, you just hang out in there while I read, okay?
Oh, this dumb book.
"Every day, the milkman brings fresh milk to your milk box."
But... the milkman has to be real careful, because hiding inside every milk box is...a fart monster!
(MIMICS FLATULENCE)
Does it really say that?
Sit back, kid, and I'll tell you where milk really comes from.
On the farm, cows eat pig boogers...
Moo!
BART: ...which their butts turn into milk.
Then the cows are loaded onto farm rockets.
(MOOING)
(CACKLES)
BART: But space goats and astro donkeys headbutt the beef shuttle!
And that is where milk comes from.
(LAUGHING)
I thought drawing in books wasn't allowed.
Hey, who's the big kid here?
You are.
(GULPS)
Thanks to your little prank, 25 library books were ruined.
(SIGHS)
Haven't we told you that books are precious?
I'm afraid to count how many times I've said that.
No, you weren't even there.
I was just trying to make it fun for the kid.
You never take my side.
Side? Get a load of this kid with a side.
How dare you defend yourself?
You are the destroyer!
Yes, that's it.
The destroyer.
You ruin everything, even our holiday picture.
HOMER: There's no such thing as Christmas fangs!
I had to wear a scarf to midnight mass.
I don't have a moment when I'm not worried about what you'll do next.
I can't... I ju...
(PANTING)
I can't...
Babe, babe, tag me in.
I can take him. Destroyer.
Our house is filled with unexploded pranks.
Any toilet seat could be covered in superglue.
Bart put hot dog water in the ice maker.
He's the destroyer!
I just told him that.
Good.
Ten years as your father has left me empty.
Like an orange soda bottle at a picnic...
sticky and covered with dying bees!
I'm just...
I c... I can't...
Babe, babe.
Okay, punishments.
What's your least favorite vegetable?
Swiss chard. (GASPS)
You're looking at a whole lot of swiss chard sandwiches, buster.
And you're never allowed to read a book again!
Okay, first off, we're on your side.
What Bart did was inexcusable.
He's a bad kid. Straight up.
You're lucky you only have him for one year.
Well, it might be two, but that's another meeting.
But don't you worry.
The unholy parade of punishments we've cooked up for Bart is both cruel and unusual.
When he opens his eyes every morning, his first thought will be, "Oh, no, another day."
Before we explore the punishment space, let me show you something.
I love books now.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
Oh, the kids haven't been this excited to read since we accidentally stocked Matthew Perry's autobiography.
All thanks to your son.
Bart was just trying to help his younger peers
engage with their reading interactively..."make it fun."
Well, he said that to us, too, but we didn't believe him.
We've sort of learned never to believe him.
"One evening, Ralph decided to go for a walk in the moonlight."
This is the first book he hasn't tried to kiss or wear as a hat.
Oh, Bart is such a wonderful, amazing son.
That's always been our feeling.
May I hug the people who created Bart?
Mmm, mmm, ooh.
What just happened in there?
Bart? Good?
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I-I don't-I don't think this is our car.
What color is our car, Marge?
Black? Uh...
No, no, no, that's-that's not it.
How is it everyone else saw the best in Bart
and we didn't?
Are we horrible parents?
I don't know. I-I mean, we love Bart, don't we?
Oh, so much.
So much.
But what if we don't like him?
We don't like our own son!
We're horrible parents.
It's not our fault.
He just wears you down.
I can't take it.
And I'm the strongest person I know.
We weren't planning on starting a family when we had him.
What if, deep down, we blame Bart for throwing
our lives out of whack?
That's the thing no one ever tells you: having kids changes your life.
I just wish so much that we could see him like other people do, without all the emotional gunk
of ten years of parenting him.
He deserves that much.
Maybe. But that's not how life works.
( thunder rumbles )
It just doesn't.
(YAWNS)
Mm...
Another beautiful day.
Should we go wake the kids?
Sure.
Why don't we each take one?
Two parents, two kids...
the perfect family.
♪ ♪
("Morgenblätter, Op. 279" by Strauss playing ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
So what are we looking at today?
Well, I heard Dr. Vargas is cheating on Dr. Chen with that gorgeous new resident.
Great. Now, what about our patients?
I have no idea. But I made a chart showing who on staff is hooking up with who.
What is it about big-city hospitals that attracts the most melodramatic, sex-obsessed health workers on Earth?
(indistinct chatter)
Dr. Simpson.
They need you in Room 6. Code Blue!
- What's the crisis?
Dr. Kern fell in love with his wife's sister's wife, and now he's questioning everything.
(GROANS)
(BEEPING)
Break's over.
("CHARGE" FANFARE PLAYS)
CROWD: Charge!
HOMER: I love my job.
Okay, Homer, bottom of the ninth.
Let's get this stadium rocking.
(GRUNTING GENTLY)
♪ ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
HOMER: Fifty?
You can do better than that.
(EXCLAIMS)
We're almost at maximum noise.
Maybe today's the day.
Release the rally ferret!
♪ Insane in the membrane ♪
♪ Insane in the brain ♪
(SIGHS)
Maybe, in the end, mankind wasn't meant to be 100 loud.
Ah. Well, that's my daily eight ounces of light beer.
Thirst quenched, I'll head directly home.
Just once, I'd like to see Homer Simpson get drunk.
Ah, well.
(VUVUZELA BLARES)
Uh-oh, better tap a new keg for the happiest man in Springfield.
Yeah, what's your secret, Skin-man?
Eh, a stimulating job at a school full of obedient children, with not one troublemaker in the bunch.
Not a one.
I'm all the trouble he needs.
Well, I'm off.
See you later, wild man.
( "Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs starts playing )
♪ Lido ♪
♪ Whoa... ♪
You guys are so sweet, surprising me with ice cream after work.
It was Lisa's idea.
Well, Ice Cream Parlor Malibu Stacy wanted some, too.
(WHOOPS) Ice cream party!
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
(GASPING)
Oh, no!
MARGE: It's a child.
(GROANS)
Homer, he's alive.
Who are you, little boy?
Where are your parents?
What's your name?
I'm Bart... um, something.
Who the hell are you?
Now, you can't remember anything before the accident?
Sorry, I got nothing.
Well, have you ever had amnesia before?
No way I'd forget something like that.
Well, until we figure out who this kid is, I'm gonna have to keep him down at the station.
Hey, uh, are you a true crime buff?
Hope so, 'cause you're sleeping one cell over from this guy who is gonna be huge on Dateline.
No, don't take him to jail.
He can stay at our house.
The poor thing. He must be so scared.
X-ray of my butt for you. One for you.
Two for the lady.
Aw, nice pile of bricks you got here.
So, what's your deal? I thought rich people were supposed to be skinny.
We're not rich.
It's just that Marge and I both have great jobs that we love.
(YAWNS)
Everything you see here is a result of careful planning.
(IMITATES SNORING)
Is he fake-snoring so as to imply that we're boring?
I think he is.
Well, let's see how he likes a taste of his own medicine.
(IMITATES SNORING)
(SNORING)
Ah, my medicine.
Can we both admit I won this?
(SIGHS) I'll take you to your room.
What are you waiting for?
This ain't over anytime soon.
Aw, the cheap bed in my room broke for some reason.
What you got going on in here?
Malibu Stacy is going on a shopping trip to the mall.
So fun.
Why don't you take them out of their boxes?
Then you can smash them with a rock, light their hair on fire.
Lot of good options.
If I take them out of the box, they won't be perfect anymore.
Uh, I might have a little OCD.
ADHD. Nice to meet you.
("MORGENBLÄTTER, OP. 279" BY STRAUSS PLAYING)
♪ ♪
♪ Lido... ♪
Mmm, nothing like a morning drive with the top down. Got Boz Scaggs on the radio.
Life is tight.
(GASPS)
(SQUISH)
(TIRES SCREECH) (CRASH)
My cool... it's gone!
MISS SPRINGFIELD: Goodbye, Seymour.
(HUMMING)
(GIGGLING)
No, Maggie. Bubble boy bad.
Where's Mom? I have to make my own sandwich and write my own sweet note to myself on my lunch bag? I mean, co...
Ugh. All right, um...
"The world will be great today because you are."
Aw, that's sweet.
And here's an inspirational quote from Uncle Bart.
"Eat my shorts."
Oh, very clever.
If someone actually ate your shorts, what would it mean?
I don't know, just something you say so people don't mess with you, because you're the boss and if they don't like it,
they can eat your shorts.
So, did you remember where home is yet, low-maintenance guest?
Sorry, guys, I know as much about me as you know about me, which is...
(BELCHING): I rule.
(BARKS)
Aw, we're all breathing that.
(BELCHING)
I know he's just a stray kid in need, but I don't like him.
I'm gonna play a little pickleball.
- (GRUNTING)
- I bet his parents don't even like him.
I mean, who could?
(GASPS)
(GROWLS)
♪
♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
For a guy who sweats when he thinks, you've got a pretty sweet gig.
Listen up, Memento Junior, just because I don't want you alone in my home doesn't mean I want you here.
Wow, thousands of drunk dads and their bored kids under your total control.
You can make them do anything you want.
Well, not anything.
Actually, there are pretty strict rules about...
Hey, stop that!
What have you done?
(CHEERING)
(GASPS) 95? What have you done?
And by all means, do more.
Oh, my God.
Can this be happening?
A hundred! I finally got 100!
It's the most noise there can ever be.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Kid, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but you made magic today.
You showed this set-in-his-ways old Jumbotron operator that there's a beautiful chaos in this job I never dreamed existed.
You're all right.
And you're easily won over.
(THE SIMPSONS THEME PLAYS ON ORGAN)
Kid turns our house upside down in one night.
Who the hell am I?
Who the hell are you?
Oh, my God, have you heard?
The man we thought was Dr. Taylor was actually his murderous twin.
And last night, he proposed!
Not today, Tracey.
(BARKING, MEOWING)
Why are we not treating any patients?
Where's my staff?
Who's ready to find out which of my three co-worker lovers is the father of my child?
(WHOOPING)
Enough!
No more romance. No more intrigue.
The next person who does anything dramatic is fired.
And if you don't like it, you can eat my shorts!
(ALL GASP)
We'll be much more professional, ma'am.
Maybe the sex closet could be a supply closet?
And the sex-mobile could be an ambulance.
"Eat my shorts."
Still don't know what it means, but it really works.
Hey, Jitters. What you working on?
I'm doing a diorama on the history of homework.
Did you know that in ancient Assyria, novice scribes had to get...
Oh, it's Friday, nerd.
Put down the tweezers and live a little.
W-wait, let me just finish the detailing on this Trapper Keeper because then I...
When I need to relax, I like to watch a little Itchy and Scratchy.
Yeah, I've seen the lunch boxes.
It's not for me.
You'll love it.
It's about a cat and a mouse trying to kill each other.
You know... the human experience.
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
♪ ♪
Have you ever heard Lisa make that sound?
I've heard her laugh before, but it's always been ironic. Or sarcastic.
Or dubiously polite and just a little bit put-upon.
(LAUGHING CONTINUING)
But never that.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Once again, cartoon violence and mental health go hand in hand.
So, how late did you two crazy kids stay up watching cartoons?
I don't know, but all the ads on TV were about calling women who couldn't wait to talk to us right now.
I'm glad you had fun.
Well, that's odd.
Maggie never liked that book before.
I zazzed it up for her.
Oh, you wrote Maggie into the story.
What a special little guy you are.
Eh, no way. I just wanted to deface a book.
Sure you did.
Morning, folks.
Why'd you break down our door?
Oh, we do that for everyone now.
So, good news.
I'm taking Bart away forever. (CHUCKLES)
Oh. So you figured out where he's from?
No, but I went to the courthouse, and one of those, uh, uh, robe-and-gavel guys said to dump him at the Springfield Maximum Security Orphanage.
Uh, it used to be a prison, but don't worry.
None of the old guards lost their jobs.
You know, we could hang on to Bart for a little while, if you want to keep working on his case.
No, thank you.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
I knew this was a short-term gig, and I'll always have something to remember you by.
Why you little...
Adios, losers.
Next time you see a mouse kill a cat in a way you never thought possible, think of me.
I will.
Bart! Come back!
We like you. God help us, we like you.
We like you so much.
Stop!
Don't take him!
You're still here.
My beautiful, wonderful boy is still here.
(GRUNTS) Ow.
What the hell? Get off.
I'm sorry, son.
We just couldn't wait to tell you something.
We like you.
We like our son so much.
We just realized.
Mm, I like you guys, too.
Wait. What do you mean, you just realized?
Come back down the staircase, Ralphie, school's over.
It's time to go home.
Willie's locking up in five, you know.
Yeah, I heard you the first ten times.
Just put down the purple crayon.
No... Ah-ah, don't draw a boat.
Ra... No boat, Ralph...
Don't... Don... Well, don't get in the boat.
You don't know where the river goes to.
Ralphie. Ralphie!
RALPH: Whee!
♪ Lido ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ One more job ♪
♪ Ought to get it ♪
♪ One last sh*t and we quit it ♪
♪ One more for ♪
♪ The road. ♪
Shh.
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